Give n Take

Its 12.16am...on Wednesday 19th of November 2008...n im feeling nouseous. n its not from the food...its not from the boring lectures i had today..its not from running too hard...its from not understanding what's going on at this moment in my life.

A year ago, I wud still b naive enuf to believe I even held relative control over my life..a few months ago, I started to admit defeat to my own humanity and surrendered to God...a few weeks ago, I decided to give everything..my whole life..every aspect of it (o at least I tried)..a few days ago..I realized I was still holding on..attempting to steer the wheel when it seemed as though I was about to crash..at this exact moment in time..I want to stop..I want to completely put all my faith, and all my trust in fate's hands..so that regardless of how close it seems that I am to crashing and losing it all..i hop to hv the opportunity to hv the chance to rejoice tht everyting is goin to b ok...bt is tht even possible?..

I dint ask 4 any of this..I dint ask for life..I dint ask to move..I dint ask to make friends..that would eventually not be friends..I dint ask to be hurt..there are a lot of things I dint ask for..

Im hurting..Im crying..Im breaking down..but its so hard to let go of the things I love..the people I love..Is it utterly necessary? to let go of those we love, only because they stop loving you..(or finding out they never did) or finding out people you called friends really arent so friendly to you after all..I dont want to..I really dont want to..because they mean so much to me. If I were God, I wud be able to love others unconditionally. But I'm not, I'm just Josh, and Josh doesn't know how long he can take this any longer..Maybe its time to move on, but I dont want to..I dont think I can..I wouldnt have fathomed that people could drift so quick..And it scares me that, despite how sure you are of how close you are at a point in time, there comes another point in time with the possiblity that it wont be the same anymore....

-a broken boy-