Finding purpose in a once purposeful life

it wasnt always like this...there was a time where my life was filled with purposes..when i was collected, confident and in control..but rite now im on the contrary..alwas fustrated...seemingly wandering and wandering blindly..in a road with no ends..and many roadblocks..

They say people change, its part of life..I agree. But you dont have to accept that bad changes right? or do you? I dont know..I never know anymore..Im so confused about everything, about my life, the way I act, who Ive been, who Ive become, and more importantly, who I wil be in the end..Everytime I think about this, I fail to grasp the problem behind whats tormenting my mind. There are times when I feel like Ive found it, but Im simply terminating a few thorns, while spikes are still growing...

"Seventeen is only more than sixteen in the number of syllables it contains."

But in the midst of the education, it feels like Im losing sense of who I am. I used to be able to value friendship above grades, God above pleasure, company above solitude..In spite of everything, I know that deep down inside of me somewhere, I still know whats most important to me in this world, and I pray I wil never lose sight of my purpose in life.

"How far do you dare to go before you realize you are not going anymore?"

I want so much and I deserve so much less, and can achieve as much as I believe I can..In ways I know that friends are not as important or as big a deal as everyone makes it out to be, but I also know that its also not as easy as some make it out to be. But it feels like, that's what has become my main priority. I'm constantly caught up in work and realize that for however long now, I have lost sense of who I am and what life is really about...

"How much can you believe yourself to be capable of before you realize that sacrifices are inevitable, and you have to gain at the expense of others?"

I guess living for the past few months have made me realize that at times you need to sacrafice others for your own benefits...but is everyone capable of doing so to the one who they call friends?...i gues its another dilemma with no definite answer....cause if they do..are they really your friends?..if they dont..some might judge them as being dumb...

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley

Well one good thing that I have got out of all this is that I realize how much my friends mean to me and how I love love love them so much and I totally cant live without them because they mean so much to me. And there are always people willing to listen, but sometimes Im unwilling to share, and I guess thats just part of life too..so i totally disagree with Eliusabeth Foley..even though we hate to admit it..but for us the true measure of how close we are..are the time that we spend togethor...

As for now...i surrender...Yes, I surrender..I am weak..I am hopeless..I am a failure..I dont deserve to live..and you know what? I can admit to all that and not feel the least bit shameful, because I know its true and there's nothing wrong with that..after all..im just Josh...not God...

-the lost boy Josh-