The Sleepless Nights....

Im physically and mentally battered but somehow my body refuse to rest. I took a nap and slept a hell lot, but Im still exhausted. There are like tons of stuff going through my mind right now, I guess i really need to settle everything that is going on before my body can get a proper rest, one which i lack. Somehow all my efforts seem futile, no matter how i struggle or try, my work load just pile up, it never decrease no matter what I do. If this continuous sooner or later Im going to look just like that, nothing but an empty hollow shell with no soul in it....

-the boy that need rest Josh-

Did i found myself again?...

Sometimes you realize that your life has changed, and you realize that you have been running towards a destination, and that the destination that was once clear has become blurry, smeared with lines of the unknown. Then you might be afraid to keep running, as is normal for anything that is done in the darkness. When you lose sense of where you are going, its a really scary and terrifying feeling - imagine a pilot driving a plane blindfolded or sailing on the vast sea without a comass or a map or even a single navigator. Sometimes, its easier to stop steering altogether, and to cringe into a corner, covered in eternal darkness. But thats ridiculous, only the weak hide and only the timid fear. So you find yourself getting up, and starting to run again, and I suppose .. in the few moments when you made up your mind that you would continue the race, your purpose might have become a little more clear, like cleaning agents removing grease. Occasionally, you might see some scum forming between the magnesiums in life, and the stearates in your lifestyle, but you learn to reshapre the stearate, instead of hiding from the magnesium. When you start running again, it feels good, it feels better, you feel whole - purposeful and destined.


-the boy that wish to see a ray of hope Josh-

Strangers...

What are strangers...some of us question ourselves...what are strangers..well..according to definition..a stranger is 1 a person whom one does not know. 2 a person who does not know, or is not known in, a particular place. 3 a person entirely unaccustomed to (a feeling, experience, or situation)...

based on our common knowledge and senses...we classified people that we do not know or is not close with as strangers..we are always educated to not take things from strangers and try not to talk to strangers...but if we dont talk to strangers...how are we even going to break the boundary of being a stranger and turn them into your friends and ally...this is yet another mystery...

classification of strangers or even strangers itself can be a very oxymoronic thing..we often classified people that we do not know as strangers...but do we classified people that we know as strangers?...its yet another question that came to my mind today..somehow..

and the answer for that question is yes..thats why i say strangers can be a very oxymoronic thing...really close friends can just be a couple of perfect stranger at times...it is scary and terrifying...its a feeling which one should be afraid and terrified of...to think that the person that you think you understand the most turn out to be someone whom you cant talk to the most...at this particular time...one should really evaluate everything that had been going on and try to locate the problem and solve it before it turns into a mistake that one wished that they never made in the first place..

so live life with no regrets..appreciate everything that you are gifted with....

-the boy that just realise regrets Josh-

The story

he asked - they rejected
he was disappointed - they do not know
he attempted to hide it - nobody sensed it
he felt sorry - nobody understood
he apologized - nobody listened
he was tacit - they didn't notice
he obliged - they did not appreciate
he tried - it wasnt enough
he failed - they dint care
he cried - he hid - they searched not

but above and regardless of everything, do they stil love?

after everything, he hid, he still loved, and he forgave, but nobody understood...

-lonely boy Josh-

Finding purpose in a once purposeful life

it wasnt always like this...there was a time where my life was filled with purposes..when i was collected, confident and in control..but rite now im on the contrary..alwas fustrated...seemingly wandering and wandering blindly..in a road with no ends..and many roadblocks..

They say people change, its part of life..I agree. But you dont have to accept that bad changes right? or do you? I dont know..I never know anymore..Im so confused about everything, about my life, the way I act, who Ive been, who Ive become, and more importantly, who I wil be in the end..Everytime I think about this, I fail to grasp the problem behind whats tormenting my mind. There are times when I feel like Ive found it, but Im simply terminating a few thorns, while spikes are still growing...

"Seventeen is only more than sixteen in the number of syllables it contains."

But in the midst of the education, it feels like Im losing sense of who I am. I used to be able to value friendship above grades, God above pleasure, company above solitude..In spite of everything, I know that deep down inside of me somewhere, I still know whats most important to me in this world, and I pray I wil never lose sight of my purpose in life.

"How far do you dare to go before you realize you are not going anymore?"

I want so much and I deserve so much less, and can achieve as much as I believe I can..In ways I know that friends are not as important or as big a deal as everyone makes it out to be, but I also know that its also not as easy as some make it out to be. But it feels like, that's what has become my main priority. I'm constantly caught up in work and realize that for however long now, I have lost sense of who I am and what life is really about...

"How much can you believe yourself to be capable of before you realize that sacrifices are inevitable, and you have to gain at the expense of others?"

I guess living for the past few months have made me realize that at times you need to sacrafice others for your own benefits...but is everyone capable of doing so to the one who they call friends?...i gues its another dilemma with no definite answer....cause if they do..are they really your friends?..if they dont..some might judge them as being dumb...

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley

Well one good thing that I have got out of all this is that I realize how much my friends mean to me and how I love love love them so much and I totally cant live without them because they mean so much to me. And there are always people willing to listen, but sometimes Im unwilling to share, and I guess thats just part of life too..so i totally disagree with Eliusabeth Foley..even though we hate to admit it..but for us the true measure of how close we are..are the time that we spend togethor...

As for now...i surrender...Yes, I surrender..I am weak..I am hopeless..I am a failure..I dont deserve to live..and you know what? I can admit to all that and not feel the least bit shameful, because I know its true and there's nothing wrong with that..after all..im just Josh...not God...

-the lost boy Josh-

Give n Take

Its 12.16am...on Wednesday 19th of November 2008...n im feeling nouseous. n its not from the food...its not from the boring lectures i had today..its not from running too hard...its from not understanding what's going on at this moment in my life.

A year ago, I wud still b naive enuf to believe I even held relative control over my life..a few months ago, I started to admit defeat to my own humanity and surrendered to God...a few weeks ago, I decided to give everything..my whole life..every aspect of it (o at least I tried)..a few days ago..I realized I was still holding on..attempting to steer the wheel when it seemed as though I was about to crash..at this exact moment in time..I want to stop..I want to completely put all my faith, and all my trust in fate's hands..so that regardless of how close it seems that I am to crashing and losing it all..i hop to hv the opportunity to hv the chance to rejoice tht everyting is goin to b ok...bt is tht even possible?..

I dint ask 4 any of this..I dint ask for life..I dint ask to move..I dint ask to make friends..that would eventually not be friends..I dint ask to be hurt..there are a lot of things I dint ask for..

Im hurting..Im crying..Im breaking down..but its so hard to let go of the things I love..the people I love..Is it utterly necessary? to let go of those we love, only because they stop loving you..(or finding out they never did) or finding out people you called friends really arent so friendly to you after all..I dont want to..I really dont want to..because they mean so much to me. If I were God, I wud be able to love others unconditionally. But I'm not, I'm just Josh, and Josh doesn't know how long he can take this any longer..Maybe its time to move on, but I dont want to..I dont think I can..I wouldnt have fathomed that people could drift so quick..And it scares me that, despite how sure you are of how close you are at a point in time, there comes another point in time with the possiblity that it wont be the same anymore....

-a broken boy-

PeN@nG G3nTinG

well as title..i was suppose to post tis like few weeks ago..bt jz tht im way too bz + lazy to do so..so nw i gues im goin it...well..i gues some of u mite noe tht i was nt in melaka for a couple of weeks..haha...so tis post is to tell u guys whr i hv been...haha...i tink pictures cn tell more than words..so here goes...haha

i was packing...lolz...


nxt ting u noe..i was edi in the bus...way too bored..so i gues i cnt resist bt to ss..XD


n coz the journey was like super duper LONG..so we hv to stop 4 lunch...n trust me..nxt time..bring ur own lunch...the food thr sux..n the price....CUT THROAT...tis plate of food..cost RM7.50!!!...i repeat...RM7.50...lolz....haih...


well..after 7 hrs long...we finally arrive in penang...n another hr lata we reach the place whr v r suppose to stay...XD....here is a pic of it...


oh ya..b4 tht..thr were a couple of pic i took of the beautiful sky n weather...XD...


after we all hv frenshen up n bla bla..we went n ate dinner..lolz...we ate it wif jer's parents...wel..it was kinda an awkward dinner...bt well..his parents were cool...haha...XD...n without noticing it..we were hungry again..n we went hunting 4 our 1st supper in penang..n tis is the fruit of our hunt...XD


n being a veli self obses bunch...we jz cnt resist takin pic here n thr..haha...so here r a few prove...


after being obses wif ourselves..lolz...we went n hunt 4 our so cal breakfas...more like our lunch...n we end up eating penang kuey tiao..lolz..they gt crab meat n BIG prawn on it..take a look...

haha...n nxt ting u noe..we end up in kek lok si..well...thr were tons of turtles...n aso a zillion of buddha statue...n tons of other stuf...itink i shud jz let the pictures do the talking nw..tons of them...zz...


n after tht...i gues we ended up in botanical garden..thr was tis some wat like a tunnel..lolz...looks like a walkway to heaven...haha...

after tht we jz went to hunt 4 food food n more food...lolz...cnt reli rmb the name of the food..bt who cares...main point is tht its tasty...aint tht rite?..haha..n gues wat...we saw tis reli frenly german guy when we were eating wan tan mee...XD....

den it was the meal of da trip..haha...seafood buffet...dam..it was worth every cent...every piece of meat thr taste so dam nice...argh...love love love it

den thr was some madness after dinner...lolz...


den thr was the day when we went 2 the beach...saltiest beach i hv ever been on...lolz...

den thr was aso snake temple n toy muzeum...lolz...


n den..thr was genting....lolz...


lolz..the weather was nt tht gd when i was goin up..raining..haih...

lolz..me...checking us in into a delux room...haha

den thr is the outdoor theme park..n the massive fog...lolz...n aso 1st world hotel...XD


haha...oh ya..n we paid a hell lot to eat tauge..=.=..exp bowl of tauge in genting..zz..langsung no mee...


lolz...i gues tht pretty much sum it up...haha...nt the full detail tou...bt i gues thts tht...XD...so till nxt time..Josh...XD